You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
