needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
