Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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