in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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