It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
