Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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