so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
