I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
