She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
