why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
