I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
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I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
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In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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