HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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