you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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