Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
