Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
