apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
