Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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