I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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