Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
