he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
