So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
