I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
