Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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