she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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