Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
