Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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