fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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