My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We need a shit load of segways right now
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
