im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
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You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
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We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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