we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
