i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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