They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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