He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
