i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
