Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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