Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
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What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
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The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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