He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
