Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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