I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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