I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
