I can text with my tongue
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
