I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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