I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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