naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
