Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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