We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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