Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
