I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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