1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
