i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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