Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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