Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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