maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
