Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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