I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
