Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
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his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
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Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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