you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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