she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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